Hey there, it's me again... back to pour out some random musings from the depths of my soul. Nothing to see here, just me trying to make sense of the findings from my latest existential crisis... My recent post about my journey of self discovery focused mostly on my struggle with self image. The overwhelmingly positive response I received to that post was pretty incredible.
In all honesty writing that post was the catalyst for me beginning to examine different facets of my life and my relationships with others. Truth be told relationships of any description be they romantic, friendship or purely associative have always felt like they've come a little more difficult to me than it seems in comparison to observation of others. Relationships to me are deeply complex and based on the individual involved, I have never had the same type of interpersonal relationship with anyone twice.
My circle of close friends is practically non existent. And that has always been a conscious choice on my part. I have serious trust issues, and every time I've decided to take a chance and let someone in, it has resulted in heartbreak of some description. So I decided the only way to protect myself was to put a wall up, to become extremely guarded. Don't get me wrong, to the world I remained who I was but I just didn't let anyone in for fear of being hurt. And through all this, mustering every last shred of insatiable positivity I had, I continued to look for the good in people, only seeing the best. I have plenty of acquaintances in my life who I value dearly, but what had been lacking in my life was one of those once in a lifetime type people. The kind you could tell anything to and know for sure it would never go any further... the type that make your life better by just being there and being exactly who they are.
The expression that kept springing to mind whenever I would feel like I was missing out was 'Aundrea, try to remember quality, not quantity'. For the longest time I told myself that when I least expected it, the universe would introduce someone into my life that would show me that even after all the shitty relationships I could still trust and see the good in people.
What the universe ended up sending me was something infinitely more valuable. You see, what I have learned is that all these harsh lessons and failed friendships haven't been for nothing. They've made me come to the realisation that each journey you have the courage to embark on can be considered a truth seeking mission on your road to becoming fully self aware. I truly believe that if you are willing to leave behind everything familiar and comforting about yourself and set out on this truth seeking journey, be it internal or external. And you are willing to regard everything that happens to you on this journey as a lesson, it will lead you to people who will change the course of your life forever. If you accept these people for who and what they are, and embrace them as teachers, they will help you to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself. If you follow this path, the truth will not be withheld from you.
The truth is not always agreeable, it is not always what we want to hear but as much as it can damage and ruin, ruin is the road to transformation. The teachers we encounter who value us enough to share their truth with us, can be the ones to help you to open yourself up to learning more about who you are than you ever thought possible.
Embrace these people wholeheartedly. They don't come along too often. They are the guides and teachers on this beautiful road called life who show us what it means to be who we are. And should you ever be lucky enough to encounter one who makes themselves at home in your life, like they have always been there? Treasure and hold on to them with every fibre of your being, they are the truly unique, the once in a lifetime, the ones you will turn to in times of crisis and times of joy. They are the truly irreplaceable.
Serendipity is a funny thing... you look for something, find something else and you end up realising that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for. This journey has ended up teaching me that my purpose in my relationships is to continue being no one other than exactly who I am and to do my upmost to help try and make my presence in the lives of the individual people I care about something that they can trust in and rely on. I have learned that for the people I truly care about and infinitely value, who I am and what I mean to them? It's enough.
I know that without context some or even most of this post might not make a massive amount of sense to you. But it's something I needed to write, a sort of thank you letter to the universe for sending me exactly what I needed.
It is also a thank you to the teachers in my life, the people who have made themselves at home in the infinite chaos of the beautiful disaster that is my stream of consciousness. Thank you for being who you are, for what you mean to me, and please know that you, just you as you are? You're enough and I am infinitely grateful for you.
To me, each individual relationship in my life is like an infinity. Infinities can take place within a numbered days, others cannot be quantified and a very wise astrophysicist once informed me that some infinities are bigger than other infinities. Not many people know that, and often when you learn it for the first time, it can be pretty mind blowing. Thats how I feel this journey has been for me. 'Some infinities are bigger than other infinities' and I cannot begin to codify how grateful I am for our little infinity.
Be kind to one another, be a teacher, and try to appreciate each infinity for what it is and what it has meant or will continue to mean to you.